ADHD is interesting. I think ADHD is mainly an executive dysfunction and reward centre dysfunction, from my own experience.
And a bit of nature, a bit of nurture.
It’s a real double edged sword for me.
On one hand relationships and “boring” tasks feel insurmountable. When I say boring I don’t even mean boring in the traditional sense, I just mean “not novel” - so even something like playing my favourite ever video game gets extremely difficult once the novelty is gone.
On the other hand, as a software developer, working on novel concepts or exploring novel concepts or ideas is basically like crack-cocaine, I literally can’t stop or put them down.
Double edged sword is struggling with most basic tasks, but excelling at the peripheries.
When you put it that way this might be one of the greatest disabilities ever. Humans that don’t complete things they begin and chase novelty are hard to respect because it’s common and trite. Persevering through failure and the hard bits is essentially the crux of achievement, productivity and success.
Well, I’ve been persevering through the hard bits for 42 years, and still struggle with it. It’s not about chasing novelty, it’s about novelty being many many times more attractive than it is for others.
I don’t agree as greatest disability ever as in “most-disabling” I’d say it’s the greatest potential modifier disability there is.
Some scenarios I loathe having it, but when I’m in the flow state I love it.
It’s made my life-path very non-standard (huge swings up and down), but it’s also created insane opportunities (when paired with high-drive and completing things/discipline)
I personally don’t consider it a disability in my case, but I’m definitely at a disadvantage in a typical work environment compared to my peers. So I understand completely why it’s generally classed as a disability in today’s society and societal expectations.
Like autism, it can produce insane outcomes (think savants etc), and if you can find the right environment for you, you can outperform more neurotypical peers.
I for instance finish all my software projects, because I force myself through discipline. My work output is probably the same or slightly less-good than my peers. But my personal projects where I have full creative control of the outcomes I’d say far exceeds my peers.
I mean in my own case, I’ve achieved far more than my friends and peers - whether that be in business success or other creative areas, but at massive cost - they have much more stability than me, whereas my path is a very non-linear path. I either do exceptionally well or exceptionally shit, no in-between, very black and white
How do you manage to finish things? After a while, for me, the novelty high wears out, and instead it becomes a wall.
Some project require something silly, like sending 1 email to be completed, and it becomes an impossible task
Haha, this made me chuckle so much. That's basically how it goes for me also. Even asking myself, why don't you just do it, then doing something else, feeling guilty about not sending the mail first.
The thing is most people get into a flow state and then persevere through when it’s not enjoyable anymore. If you’re just capable of the first part what’s the point.
It’s great that you can get through the entirety of something because I think that deserves a high form of respect.
Hey this is really cool! And your game is really inventive I’d love to try it when I’m home from work.
Have you considered NOT using an LLM to test your game? Because your game is turn based and text based, could you separate rendering and logic entirely (you may have already done this by the sounds of it) and run a headless simulator that simulates thousands of games using a monte-Carlo type method? Is your game fully deterministic outside of player input?
Reason I ask is I’m making a game, it’s fully deterministic the only randomness is player input. But same inputs = same outputs from my traditional AI enemies.
With this in mind, I was able to completely separate rendering and game logic, and to tune my enemy AI (traditional AI not LLM) I can run millions of simulated games headless and generate reports of the games, and basically toggle AI parameters automatically each game until my AI is “perfect” for its archetype signature.
I can run tens to hundreds of games in parallel, and I can run a typical 5 minute game in seconds.
Then I can capture that game and recreate it and watch replays etc.
My game is also a browser game, but I built my own engine for it from scratch and no external libraries
Thank you. You have a great suggestion. I didn't do that, but I did consider it and I think it can be very powerful. I had 2 example use cases that having an actual AI felt good for, first validating a new feature based on the spec, and second, finding unexpected bugs (like trying to enter a locked room through the back wall). It didn't do so well on the latter, but did great on the former. Having a million simulated games could probably catch those, but how would you track the reports after? Perhaps using an LLM to read the logs/reports could be a good use. Your set up sounds awesome, nice work.
You’re welcome :) for you I’d recommend try get 10 games running / simulated first, and manually analyse the reports yourself to see if the report data is useful. Try and get the report data into a useful shape, and have it as either a json array or an excel. Then you can feed it into an llm to analyse.
For example for me my reports will basically be data points per AI archetype - like how often they collide with a wall, how often they perform certain actions, how often they get blocked or go idle. Straight numbers or booleans. This plus an ELO type system to rate the AI against one another so I can have an AI tier list. Then I can get an LLM to ingest the data and pick out issues / outliers etc.
My game is kinda like chess so this all makes sense for my game.
And thanks for the insights I will try a similar llm setup for manually playing my game, it’s definitely possible and it’s inspiring from your blog
This is the way to have a very tightly balanced game. I’ve seen people come up with a lot of sophisticated graphs and curves of various params and inputs that I personally don’t understand, but they tune things to values that naturally result in the kind of outcomes players will enjoy best. It would be impossible to just tweak all these variables and their interactions just through manual play tests alone.
Hey I am actually working on a browser game that is fully-deterministic (except for player inputs) and so I can basically replay games entirely. Think like a chess engine game.
I’ve been obsessing over this determinism and replayability for months, to the point where any game played is fully replay-able to the exact same events as the original game.
So you can play, then watch a recording and spectate your played games from different actors perspective (enemy perspective etc).
My rendering and game logic are fully decoupled.
I wrote the “engine” for the game from scratch. I think I only use one third party library currently.
Possibly the most insane browser game of all time? Big if true.
I will launch on hackernews soon-ish.
But the game mechanic itself is novel, and the infrastructure is novel.
To develop the game, I built my own custom game engine from scratch using html canvas for rendering. Zero libraries. If you see some of my other submissions, I’ve built a “game engine” in C too - a raycaster, but it was just a proof of concept.
Been “working” on this game + engine for 5-6 years now, this is my tenth and final attempt at building it. Eventually settled on building it in the browser.
Hey OP I had this same idea a few years ago, but my implementation was dogshit! Check out the browser extension I made [0] - note it doesn’t work anymore, it worked with the first released Google Gemini Flash model ;)
Check out my browser extension, it may give you some more ideas?? My extension is from 2024
But basically it would let you screenshot a portion of your dev site, and auto get feedback from an LLM to improve the visuals.
My original idea was to have it modify your source code, but I lost interest in the project lol
I have adhd, I write them down. Some of them are great ideas, some are shit.
I got diagnosed at 29. Up until then I was very entrepreneurial and ambitious, constantly working on business ideas. Hell I taught myself software engineering because I had a single idea I hyper focused on lol.
The way I see it, lean into it. ADHD is a double edged sword - you get intrusive thoughts, some of them are bad, but some of them are ideas.
You can’t really change your brain, you can take medication and it might help you focus a bit more.
But I say lean into it. I’ve had several successful ventures from pure ADHD fuelled idea binges.
I don’t really switch off, but I make sure I work in the office every day because being around people helps.
But when I’m alone it’s a barrage of thoughts, some days more intense than others.
I've taken it a step further and just operate on the notion that we weren't really meant to be "office drones". This lifestyle is new for humans.
We used to need people that were aware of their surroundings and able to create novel solutions to environmental challenges.
I leverage that as much as I can. Sometimes that means my "breaks" are actually rollerblading in the park while listening to music and weaving (very politely) between people.
Sometimes that means I workout and pretend I'm hunting or traversing some sort of chasm/river/etc.
It helps reduce the "death stench" that routine, monotonous work seems to give off.
I go through periods of genuinely thinking I’m capable of greatness, and periods of not caring at all about greatness and just wanting to be happy.
Speaking of adversity the last 6 months I’ve: lost a job, split from fiancé of 7 years, got fat, lost a dog, lost an apartment, got diagnosed with adhd, faced strong suicidal ideation, sever depression and nihilism.
But fast forward to current day - I’ve got back to the gym and doubled all my lifts and genuinely starting to get strong again, lost fat, made friends, started rock climbing and road cycling, progressed in my career and doing well at my new job, planned greater international travels.
I’ve realised I’m unnaturally resilient and I can basically push through anything life throws at me. Even in my darkest days I still dragged my ass to the gym and hit personal bests.
I do not know where this resilience comes from. I’ve realised over the years as a 30 y/o male no one is going to help you get to where you want to be, no one is going to have much empathy for you no matter how shit your life is, and that you control your own destiny and can only play the cards you’ve been dealt, but you alone can push yourself to greatness (whatever that may be for you)
What scares you the most in life? A fear that absolutely paralyses you. Do whatever that is.
For me for whatever reason, that extreme fear is heights and flying. I had an extreme fear of flying to the point where I would refuse to fly and instead take any combination of ship + bus to get to destinations. Had it my whole life.
I would consider myself a very intense person. I’m a nihilist now, I don’t think there is any point to life at all. Truly it’s not been something I’ve ever been able to shake, so lately (last month) I’ve embraced it. I’m only 30. I’ve seen and experienced things in life that have completely broken me.
7 months ago i got diagnosed with adhd. 6 months ago I lost my job. 5 months ago almost to the day, my fiancé left me over a 10 minute phone call, after 7 years together. Took our dog with her. Blamed me for everything failing. Everything was my fault. Now our place is being sold. Lost all my friends over those 7 years and had no social media.
I was in the darkest pit I have ever been in my life. Complete despair. I hit the gym as hard as possible, ate healthy, started twice weekly therapy, started going to events to meet people, started cycling, started rock climbing.
None of that did anything to shake the intense depression and despair and underlying nihilism. Truly I had come to terms with the fact that I’ve had thoughts that you can’t “un-think” and I truly think most people don’t ever break down that no matter what you do life is pointless, low to the point that you think most people are living in ignorance of the pointlessness of living.
So I tried pushing myself harder and harder. My life, I’ve been in several relationships that have failed. Been madly in love a few times. I’ve built viral software (300,000 users). I’ve sold software. I’m self taught. Backend/frontend/low level/graphics. I’m an Electrical Engineer too. I’ve pitched at and won startup comps, made and raised money. Owned a home. Worked with sick animals, walked dogs for a living. Been hiking, done woodwork. Been engaged. Failed papers. Aced papers. Been in a jail cell. Been in an ambulance. Have arthritis. Been in fights. Been beaten up. Taken drugs. Dissociated. Been skinny. Been fat. Been ripped. Almost drowned. Been in a car accident.
None of that did anything for me.
But last weekend I booked a solo flight for myself to a destination I’ve never been to. This is something that I’ve told myself I’m not capable of my whole life. Because I realised I probably wouldn’t be around much longer unless there was drastic change in my life and perspective.
On the tarmac, the moment those plane engines started up I got super excited for the first time in years, because I realised either i die on this flight and it doesn’t matter anyway, or I push through fear and scare myself. I pushed through the fear and felt a rush.
That was only a few days ago. Now I’m booking a global flight to see the other side of the world in 4 months time to do some solo travel. Then more flights after that. I also just did the best rock climbing I’ve ever done, prior to that experience I’d be clinging onto the wall for dear life, but that last session I just flew up the wall without a care in the world.
I’ve realised now that I’m just an intense person and I can’t live a mundane life. So I need to lean into it and seek fear.
I can tell you for free that material possession and earning money is definitely not the answer. In fact, get rid of most of the shit you own because it just bogs you down.
Pushing through fear has been the breakthrough I’ve needed in my life, and no one could do it for me. I feel like a different person.
This may sound stupid, but maybe we all need to get punched in the face. We spend our modern lives constantly in the past, in the future, anxiety and existential dread about what is coming, what may come to pass, how will we deal with it, grief and loss, thinking about fucking money and relationships and housing.
Go to a boxing gym, and spar with someone. Introduce some danger into your life. No one wants to get punched in the face. I guarantee you getting the shit beat out of you, and you doing the same to someone else, will have you in the moment. When you’re actively getting attacked, there is no time for anxiety or depression or grief. Just “do I duck left, or do I duck right”.
Stop waiting for life to happen. Go out and do dangerous shit.
I’m not advocating for being reckless. But my new philosophy is: if life is pointless, then the only rational response is to do whatever makes you feel most alive, regardless of social conventions or personal anxieties real or imagined
Sorry to hear about everything you've been so far. Things have been rough for me as well lately. The only thing that keeps me from falling into nihilism and despair is God.
Thanks and I hope things get better for you. I wish I believed in a god/gods, but I’m just not wired that way as much as I wish I could. The community that believing opens you up to is a great part of it
That was a good read, hope you are feeling some peace.
Rock climbing is a great way of seeing places no one see and meeting interesting people. For instance I loved climbing in Yangshuo, China. I've climbed in most of the continents but am more keen on whitewater kayaking, which is also a great way to experience the world.
My two worst life experiences (physical and emotional) have been my biggest drivers for growth and looking back on how I get over them gives me a lot of strength.
People that don’t ask questions, don’t show any curiosity at all, don’t reciprocate, and don’t contribute to conversation other than talking at length about themselves - are not worth a second of your day.
I’m sorry but if all you can do is talk about yourself and not have a conversation, you are not worth my time.
If you think it’s okay to let the other person lead the entire conversation maybe you need to learn some social skills
And a bit of nature, a bit of nurture.
It’s a real double edged sword for me.
On one hand relationships and “boring” tasks feel insurmountable. When I say boring I don’t even mean boring in the traditional sense, I just mean “not novel” - so even something like playing my favourite ever video game gets extremely difficult once the novelty is gone.
On the other hand, as a software developer, working on novel concepts or exploring novel concepts or ideas is basically like crack-cocaine, I literally can’t stop or put them down.
Double edged sword is struggling with most basic tasks, but excelling at the peripheries.
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